Native Colorado Pothead Moves to NYC. Becomes criminal.

Moving from a legal marijuana state, to a criminalized marijuana state.
I was just like everyone else; now I’m a drug addict. I may as well have been begging for money on the street with a syringe in my arm in the eyes of New Yorker’s.
Yesterday, someone shared their story with me. Their story consisted of them picking up an eighth from their dealer, and shortly after getting pulled over in their car with the pot. Being that this routine traffic stop happened in New Jersey, the consequences that followed are mind-boggling. This person is now on probation for a year, with mandatory drug tests. I  picture myself in this person’s shoes. The blue and reds flashing in my rear view mirror… I think I would jump from the car, and parkour my way across the city to the nearest airport (hopefully not JFK), and ride a wing back to Colorado. Shouldn’t I get some type of free pass for being a pothead considering where I’m from?

But really people, I went from being just like everyone else to a total drug addict and the only thing that changed was geography. Back home when the clock struck 4:20 you knew that it meant one or more of the people in your direct vicinity were having the same thought as you. Sparking lighters, and coughing lungs. Now, I celebrate 4:20 privately and awkwardly on my front stoop alone, or if it’s raining, you can find me with my head hung out the side of my bathroom window blowing smoke into the night sky. I don’t mind smoking alone. In fact, it generally gets me into a really creative space. My problem comes with the way people here have been labeling me for it.

spider-man-meme-hotbox-new-yorkPeople here in the NYC Tri-state area keep themselves pacified with vodka, wine, beer, schnapps… almost any alcohol you can name can be found in almost every store. Gas stations, grocery stores, and baby supply chains. It’s like they want me to be drunk, or that I have to be drunk to survive here. I agree with needing some form of assistance for this lifestyle; no trees to hug or mountains to climb. There’s almost nothing to do but get sloshed. But why then New Yorker’s, do I get the stink eye for being a pothead, while all you functioning alcoholics continue to live in piles of your own filth?

I didn’t want to bring this up, but honestly, you guys here in NYC nyc-under-waterknow that we have Internet and planes now, right?! There’s no real need for you to live on top of each other and destroy this disgusting little corner of the earth. I’m sure this place had some beautiful landscaping before everyone arrived. I wouldn’t know though, because I honestly haven’t seen a tree in two months. Also, isn’t it going to be underwater in 10 years anyway? Does Greenland literally have to turn green for anyone to make a evac plan?

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Living here for me now is unlike anything I’ve lived in before. Buying marijuana makes me feel like a crackhead, meeting up with the classic skeevy dealers, on their terms, in terrifyingly disgusting places. Once people in your hood find out that you have product and smoke regularly, you will instantly be hit up with a ton of requests from people to buy from you. Now you’re James Franco, hold up in your apartment dreading each buzz of the doorbell.
I miss home. I miss going to the store once a week to pick up the supply… all cleanly labeled and contained for my enjoyment. If I were to get pulled over in Colorado after having bought an eighth, as long as it was still in its rightful container, the cop wouldn’t bat an eyelash.
I wrote this article about six months ago. I am now back happily living next to the gorgeous Rocky Mountains, and smoking weed on the regular. I hadn’t published this post when I lived there, due to fear of New Yorker’s murdering me in my sleep to defend their precious city. I will say this, I do miss the people. There’s something about the fast paced life where things actually get accomplished that I also enjoyed. Life in Colorado moves at the rate of a slug.
But what are the cold hard facts? In 2012, over 112,000 people were arrested for marijuana related charges in New York City alone. This results in a cost of around seven billion dollars in tax payer and government money to punish these “criminals” throughout the United States. In Colorado our crime rate has dropped, and our economy has soared. Did you know that the government has to figure out what to do with all the extra money they made?! One way is certainly better than the other, and it’s starting to show.
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Dear America, Please Don’t Legalize Weed. Love, Colorado.

America, I am here today to relay to you the horrors of legalizing marijuana for recreational use. As a Colorado native I watched the whole thing go down, and I’m here to tell you it’s just not going to be worth it for you other states to hop on the band wagon. Sure other states like Alaska and Oregon have recently joined the ranks of legalizing recreational use, and I’m sure that’s going well for them. But let’s be honest, while Alaska would be a hella cool place to get high, it’s much to far away. As far as Oregon is concerned, I kind of assumed everyone there was wickedly stoned already.

Colorado and Washington stand as the first two states to make recreational use legal. But as I learned on my trip to Washington in the summer of 2014, the state had quite a few problems with the regulation of marijuana being controlled by the Liquor Control Board. These problems made buying marijuana recreationally in Washington extremely difficult. Denver however, sort of really took the challenge of being THE place to get high in the USA. We now have a few marijuana clubs open, which offer a BYOC style social environment. Marijuana friendly lodging is becoming more and more frequent for travelers to stay and smoke in the past year. In 2014 90% of recreationally sold marijuana was sold to people with out of state ID’s.

Which brings me to my point. This year there stands a chance of Colorado making too much tax revenue, entirely because of weed. Now they’re going to have to figure out what to do with all of that extra dough. What a headache.

The initiative on the ballet that originally legalized recreational use of marijuana in Colorado stated that the first $40 million of excise tax revenue would go to schools for building, renovation, and maintenance costs. Legalizing marijuana has left an impact on our kids, now they’ll be able to learn in a totally safe and functioning environment. The nerve.

2014 also showed a drop in the crime rate of 10%. The state’s official website for crime data, which includes rapes, assault, burglary, murder and other violent crimes published this information. Can you believe that? All the critics of legalizing recreational marijuana use said that Colorado’s crime rate would surely go through the roof. You guys don’t know what it’s like to disappoint people like that. We here in Colorado feel we have let you guys down by setting such a good example. We’ll get right on coordinating a riot with our… riot committee?

In conclusion I would like to say it’s OK America. We here in Colorado feel your shame. We’ve always felt like a bit of the black sheep of the country. But we are happy to now become the green sheep.

Love to all,

TheGayStoner

Before You Judge Me For Being A Pothead

A whole lot of people have put a whole lot of judgement on me for being the self proclaimed marijuana savant that I am. Even in my home state of Colorado where the beautiful plant is now legal for anyone over 21 to consume in the privacy of their own home. It’s always the same, people assume that I am lazy, unemployed, or dirty. I won’t even respond to someone who brings up conspiracy theories at parties anymore. I’ve grown quite tired of my friends saying: “Well of course AREND thinks it’s real.” Yeah, you know what? I do believe in that particular conspiracy theory, and you will all come to me for answers when it happens. But I’ll be hold up in my castle smoking a J with the other paranoid idiots. The walls will be soundproof.

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Yes it’s true people who get high can be somewhat “stereotypical”. But is that really such a terrible thing? Where would films such as Pineapple Express be without the comedic touch of Mary Jane? It would just be Seth Rogen having awkward interactions with James Franco sober… Who wants that? Who would sit down to watch Broad City every Wednesday night? And the entire first season On Demand again on Thursday?!

With the world on this new age healthy dieting crap, you know the only reason Doritos’s are still in the game has something to do with those midnight runs to 7-11. Your entire house could be full of fresh apples and kale… But once that joint hits you right, nothing tastes better than some artificially colored corn chips. Honey Boo Boo is not the only pioneer to thank in the saving of Twinkies. Oh no, we silently funded the whole thing.did-i-apply-to-harvard-nah-i-heard-their-bud-was-weak-thumb

Which brings me to my next point, every pothead is not a lazy invaluable piece of society. I happen to be friends with quite a number of successful people who do more for the world than you and I will ever even dream of. CEO’s, activists, and most of the famous people we are all supposed to care about They all smoke the ganja dude.

Also, don’t judge me if you drink. Because it’s been medically fucking proven to be worse for you than marijuana. So, enjoy the death of your liver. I’ll be fine.

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My personal reason for loving marijuana is that it calms me down. I tend to vibrate at a higher frequency than most people. Those closest to me would describe me as “annoying” or when they are really pleased with me “a Princess”. I am a lot to handle. But weed mellow me right out. I can actually be someone that you don’t mind being around.

My original use for marijuana was to aid in my issues with a blood cell disease called Mastocytosis. Marijuana helps me through digestive issues, and pains related to that. I took it up as a medicine, and kept it around because it really does make the world a nicer place to be in.

You shouldn’t judge anyone for anything ever. Every person is having their own experience. It doesn’t need to negatively effect yours. Nobody is forcing a bong down your throat. If they are, call the police, that sounds like assault.

As always, don’t knock it til you’ve tried it twice.

ITokeUpLikeThis

TheGayStoner